*** FORGOT TO POST THIS ONE 06/11/09 ***

Another Day Another Plan

I know full well that my often and very silly ramblings on about how I hate life and nothing ever changes because my plans don't ever seem to work out are my downfall, feeling like you have no reason to be alive or just generally sad because you can't always get what you want is more pointless than the point I thought I was trying to get across and once again brought a spark of light to the almost burnt out ideas that played a small role in trying to get myself up of the wet floor and standing upright dancing in the sun. well I'm often inspired by what other people have to say about me, it has sent me flying into what could be described as a tornado, fragmented ideas going round and round in the old gray box, the important thing to remember is that I am not alone and will not walk down that dark and lonely road, but I must be more honest with myself and the people that are around me, and hopefully the rewards will come. I'm by no means ready

I don't want to be apart of this group anymore so I must accept and adapt, by changing the things

For as long as I can remember I've been blaming other people for the things that I believe are wrong with me....I can think of two people that I can almost certainly blame everything on, I see why I feel like this, and at the same time I know full well that although these people were very bad to me the only reason I feel like this now is because I let myself. I must be honest for once and say that all this time I've wanted to feel like this and the little outbursts are the times when I've felt this is just stupid and I must do something about it, but all I've ever done is come up with another plan that is almost certain to fail at some point, and really what I should be doing is being honest with myself about what I really want. So it all comes down to me making the changes, and for my to feel like I've progresses I must jump in with both feet and get stuck in no matter what, and if it doesn't work get back up then try again.

I'm hoping that you don't feel like I've said all this before even thought I probably have, but this time I've worded it a little different, there is no point making plans if I know I wont follow though, and we'll just end up back here doing the same old thing again and again till we all eventually give up, I'm sure my wonder full friends will be trying to the day they die or I die because they are so aw some. I don't think I'm going to wake up and be totally fine, that's not going to happen...But what will happen is a different approach is to be used.

I really liked the reply to my last post, I've been thinking about it a lot and it really does make things very simple, I like the idea of enjoin life, and love that it really doesn't matter how insignificant I am in the scale of the "Vast".

It’s funny how looking back at something you wrote not even that long ago can make you cringe. My last reply doesn’t really get across what I was thinking at the time. It was an even bigger mess to begin with, I spent a while whittling it down to what I thought made sense but after re-reading it now I feel it’s quite an incoherent mess. It was late and I was tired, I used way more colourful language than was necessary. I’m glad you took something positive away from it but I’d like to try again to get more of what I was trying to say across in simpler terms.

The universe is huge and we are insignificant on that scale, yet in our minds we are everything. And I think “minds” is an important thing to remember because without them we are nothing more than atoms interacting with other atoms. If you saw the atoms that make up my body in a pile on the floor you would think nothing of it, but since they are arranged in a way that gives me thought and control I become significant in your mind. Everything we perceive as our reality does not really exist; they are merely atoms bumping against other atoms that our brains construct into an object we recognise. Everything exists in our minds.

Everything we learn is what our brain uses to construct our reality and everyone’s personality is different because everyone learns things a little differently. Society is a set of common ideals that people teach to one another to get along better. There is no real right and wrong, but what society dictates.

But what has that got to do with how you feel? We learn a lot of things in our lifetime and unfortunately a lot of it is “wrong”. When we are taught bad information our view of the world is going to be affected and no-one is immune from this. As you already said you can identify some of the people who have taught you things that now shape your reality in a way you don’t like. Someone can teach you to swear as a child and it’s a habit you will fight for a lifetime. Feeling like you are worthless is the exact same thing.

There is a hell of a lot we have to unlearn to shape our minds the way we want them to be. It’s not an easy task as the only thing that can do it is the thing that is damaged. It takes a lot of mental effort to take control of the things you don’t like and teach your mind the correct way. But the first step is accepting the damage is done and work around it rather than feeling bad about it. Some things can only be improved a little bit as they are too deeply ingrained in your personality but just knowing it’s there will help you play to your strengths.

Unfortunately there are some things we can never change, they are built into our physiology and we can only accept them. Your dyslexia is an example of this. It really sucks but you must see it for what it really is; a physical trait like being short or ginger. They may put you at a disadvantage in the world but you work with what you’ve got rather than mourning what you don’t. Too many people moan about what they don’t have and don’t appreciate the things they do.

I realised all this when I was quite young, although not in so many words, and I believe it’s important to being happy in life. I realised I am who I am and I can live with the bad stuff because at least I’m not Scottish. There’s plenty of things I’m sure I can change but I don’t want to put the effort in, and there’s lots I put constant effort into because I really want to change them. I like to think of life as a game and I’m winning if I’m happy, which I generally am. Unfortunately there are no easy steps to follow to win, you have to work out how best to play it yourself. You are in control of your life and you will get more out the more you put in.

My biggest flaw and a constant struggle is getting the motivation to do things. I know I could achieve so much more but my personality constantly fights to take things easy. I know it’s something I’ll never conquer but I can never give up. I tell myself what Ginger once wrote, when you don’t feel like doing something just do it anyway. It doesn’t always help but at least it’s something to aim for.

Well I’m sure by now this is just as incoherent as my original reply. There’s more I thought of earlier but now I can’t remember. Things makes so much sense in my mind but somewhere between my brain and mouth or hands it all gets chopped up and mixed together and comes out a messy shadow of the original thought.

After some sleep I’ve remembered a bit more of what I wanted to say.

I want to expand on the life is a game thing. I mean it quite literally, by knowing everything I said above you can step out of situations where normally your emotions would be running your mind and do things to control it, especially when other people are involved.

Everyone in the world is exactly like you. They are nothing more than brains in bodies and they eat, shit and cry just like you. If someone has achieved something you can do the same with enough effort because you are just like them. Of course the exception is physical traits, I’m never gonna jump 2 metres high or run 100m in 6 seconds, but I’m talking about minds. Your mind is the only thing that is stopping you from doing what you really want and you need to learn to recognise when it’s working against you and make a conscious decision to override it.

People are very easy to manipulate, they generally live their day to day lives with their emotions leading them along. You can influence people’s opinion of you with a few simple actions, a smile and a handshake is all it takes to leave a good impression. Inversely, a sneer and a swagger will have them thinking you’re a dick.

So the game is to take this knowledge and make things happen. I don’t pretend to be an expert at getting people to like me but I have always enjoyed getting people pissed off at nothing just by using some words. I like to observe other peoples behaviours and try and get an idea of how their minds tick. Another way it can be used to your advantage is to control your own emotions. Getting pissed off at things has no benefit to you so you can take a logical view of what is going on and save yourself from a bad day.

It can sometimes be hard to stop that rage boiling up but when you realise it’s at an inanimate object or something that is completely out of your control it feels pretty pointless. When you can learn to let the little things go the rest of life feels that little bit brighter. I’ve never understood why grumpy people choose to see the negative in every situation, the world is hugely complex and the events that caused it weren’t personal, the world is not out to get you. It’s how you decide to react that determines if it was a bad thing.

But things are never that easy, knowing all this doesn’t make life a breeze. Our learned behaviours will always be there trying to control us but I think just knowing this gives you the upper hand to controlling them. Recognise situations you can influence in your favour and ones that you must let go and maybe life won’t seem so bad.