Today is a perfect example of being down, sad, upset annoyed for no reason at all, I get the feel that I need to do something stupid like smash, break something, hurt someone and kill things. I hate this feeling not because it’s bad but because I don’t know why I feel like this, I’m trying to get my thoughts out of my head so here goes and hopefully this will help even though I don’t feel it’s connected to my current mood....

I would like to say something about someone that is an absolute idiot that should be shown how stupid they are. This person will be called James because I don’t want people knowing who he is...James went out to do a job at this house, he did most of it fine, but then it came to placing these plaster board boxes into the walls for plates like Coaxial or Phone but for some reason didn’t bother to measure or check to see if the holes that he was making in the wall where level and well they look like a 3 year old got hold of a pad saw and started cutting into the walls to, I tried my best to make them look better but as soon as you came into the room they stood out a mile, this upsets me very much because the house had just been plaster boarded and looked pretty nice and this makes it look very ugly. I did fortunately get to do some of them which I measured and levelled properly and they look pretty good, it’s the second time in my life I’ve ever done them and I know for sure they look pretty good because I took the time to do it well. I really hope this person gets what they deserve for making this mess...

Next I would like to say something about a couple of XNA books that I got...The first one started out ok, covered some good stuff and then came to implementing a camera system that really did suck, well the system didn’t suck it, the way it was coded did and that pissed me off a lost because I’m reading a book to learn how to do something and it’s basically telling me to do it a shit way that will fuckup if do certain things, after reading a little more and getting more annoyed with it I decided to move onto the next book in hopes that it would be better. The second book seems a little crappy to start with, with an even worse camera system and but again it did have a good layout of how the camera system should be set out, which I’ve adopted but ignored all the actual code written in the book, I then came to a bit about Terrain and the complete lack of what the code actually does really isn’t going to help people learn, you can explain what the code is doing but that is useless if you don’t explain why it’s doing it. Maybe I’m stupid and that’s the only problem here or they are crap at writing books and the only reason they are writing books is because they are too shit to actually work doing this sort of thing. I really feel bad about spending £65 on 2 books that are crap.

My driving test is coming up very soon and it’s not really on my mind a lot and for some reason that bothers me, I feel like I should be worried about it but I’m not. I don’t think I’m going to pass, I would love to pass but for some reason I’ve got it into my head that I’m going to fail. Maybe I’m just an idiot because then everything would make sense.

I hope I die. Fuck you!

Spellchecked but nothing removed (See how stupid I R.)

I’m sure you can agree that I’m not an idiot, I don’t claim to be intelligent or a genius, but I often feel stupid when it comes to spelling because I’m not very good at it, I could blame it on being dyslexic or something like that but I’m they just made that up for retards because everyone gets mixed up with the order of letters, numbers and other stuff. I have find that I’m unable to spell words when under pressure, in fact I can’t even spell words even if someone tells me how to spell it, It sometimes feels like the word processing part of my brain doesn’t work at all, It’s hard to explain. I have a lot of problems with people’s names and place names, not sure why that is. I also find it almost impossible to take details down with someone is speaking to me on the phone, and because people are dicks they will normally act like dicks about it and I’ve even had some people say things like “You must be a retard” because I have problems processing words. I really don’t think I was designed to communicate that way, and often feel like people should be able to access the information direct from by brain until I realise that they are too stupid to actually do that...Ignore that last bit it is very silly
I love Social Distortion.

Nothing really been happening in my life, that really sucks, there is a lot I would love to do but I feel like there are no opportunities for me to take advantage of but it’s probably because I’m not actually out there doing something about it, I don’t really have any friends here, well not ones that I would go out and do stuff with and most people I know would rather go out drinking than think of something fun to do and even if there was something really cool to do they would find some way of getting drunk and then say how cool it was getting drunk and being a total dick.....

I hate my life, I hate feeling stupid, I hate not doing something, I hate not having friends to do stuff with, I hate hate, I hate the way I look, I hate that I feel like I’m fat and only weigh 10 and a half stone, I hate that I’m a social retard, I hate that the world is round, I hate that my Car uses fuel, I hate that the XNA books I have paid good money for contain retarded ways of doing things, I hate Sony, I hate the pain, I hate that I need to replace the strings on my electric guitar, I hate the people don’t seem to respect me, I hate that people seem to think I something I’m not, I hate pretending to be something I’m not, I hate feeling like I don’t fit in, I hate the feeling I get when I think about my driving test that is coming up soon, I hate this hate list, I hate Aquiss for being so fucking expensive for what little they give me, I hate BT for being shit, I hate the cable companies for not putting cable to my house, I hate SCOTLAND, I hate ENGLAND, I hate life, I hate that that last one is so close to the first one, I hate that this is 584 words long to that number, I hate my RAM that went faulty, I hate feeling alone, and I hate feeling like nothing is ever going to change even thought I try do things different.

People are shit.
What’s New, Nothing....Yeah nothing? Anna has nice boobs, shame about the face :(. The Pusher, Fake Fake Fake fucking FAKE!

Iamalie happpppy words escape my mind while the world spins out of control, my life from with my end of pain, I don’t feel worthless or worth full with my mind wanting to write the lies that fall from my head to my hands that I want you forgive me for the lies that came....die. Pen, Swan, Bird, Stress, Relax, Exercise, SMILE.

Mommy ... it’s all your fault.2549y

I’ve got this feeling that I was meant to be something or someone, I don’t mean someone that will change the world or end all the bad things that are happening all around the world, I wish I knew what it was then I could devote all my powers to trying to make sure whatever it is happen. I believe that we don’t have any choice of what happens in our life’s and everything that is happening has already happened or has been chosen to by a higher power, like a computer simulation, but if that is true then there are some sick mother fuckers at the controls, saying that just look and the stuff we do in games and then It all makes since, we are a game character mmo and my creator is a dumb fuck hat (yes, I did say hat).

I always say life is simple and you shouldn’t care about what people say or do, but I’m such a hypocrite, I’m not able to pass on the advice I’ve been given, the advice that was give to me by some of the greatest people on this planet to try and help me with my own issues. I know for a fact it’s hard to be something that you’re not, and it’s even harder to be what you are, the fact that I know how to solve the problems should be a help but my mind is weak, much like the minds of the many others that feel like they have to be special or something. It’s amazing how people mange to be so fake all the time, some of them pull it off very well, but it depends on what they are pretending to be. Take me for example I’m able to pretend I’m OK and normal to pretty much everyone I meet, maybe I come over as a little shy, but I seriously doubt most of them knows or can see thought all the bull shit and lies.

I can honestly say that while writing these blogs the things flying round my head like a cow in a tornado are getting fired out and smashing into the words that are coming to your screen. I can’t say it’s better than the alternative because that would be a lie, much like my intelligence. I have always wondered how other people brains work, do you have more than one thing going on at a time, I have about a million and they are being processed at the same time, probably why I’m so slow, they are all flying round that tornado and it’s getting bigger and bigger until it explodes and I fall to the floor crying like a baby that’s just been kicked in the head by a fat ugly monkey.

Some of my dreams I’ve been having this past couple of weeks are pretty fucked up and I’ve been seeing things in the corner of my eyes that aren’t there when I turn around for example I often see cats in my room walking about and I look round and it’s gone, the fact that my door is closed and there is no way that it could get in means I’m not actually seeing something real and thinking it’s not, I hear things too so maybe I’m going mad but I’m probably fine. I’m remembering more about my dreams which is a little odd because normally I remember it for about a minute unless I write it down.

Thanks for reading... Love, Chris.

This morning not long before I was woken by magic just before my alarm went off, I was having this dream that feels like more of a message from my own brain, it doesn't matter what happened in the dream, but the out come is I now feel like I know what I want. One little thing that stands out most in my memory is about money, an unknown person was giving money out to everyone, and I had a hand full of money that I started to drop all over the place, after picking it all up this one person came over and tried to take it all, he manged to get some of it, and then I threw the whole lot into the air and it all went high into the sky and the wind took it all away but I remember feeling so happy about doing it, I have never really felt like I need money and I think this was my brain telling me not to worry about it. The funny thing about the dream is just before i woke up the dream cut to a commercial like the whole thing turned into a TV show, I think it would have been a comedy cos I found it pretty funny but it had some pretty serious messages it got across.

I would like to thank Windows 7 for restarting while I was in the middle typing the above, it was super fun when I lost most of it (I was using Google Docs to write this cos I'm at work) so a really big thanks goes out to the dumb mother fucker that programmed it to not be able to see that I was typing at the time, don't get me wrong Windows 7 is win but i could really do without stupid things like that happening, anyway enough about that....and let me get back to what i was doing.

So today I had a driving lesson, was going pretty well, until i made a stupid mistake, it wasn't that bad but I was totally lost inside my head thinking about something else when I decided to pull out in front of a police car, well not really pull out in front of him he could have got past no problem but I really should have stopped and let him pass because there was another car parked on my side of the road, anyway form that point on it started going round and round in my head and that plus the stuff that was already going on is a little more than I can handel so this is a piss poor attempt to try and get some of it out.

Social Distortion is like the fucking win, there is a word that is better but it hasn't been invented yet, so win will have to do for now. Some of you may know that I discovered them a while back while listening to last.FM and ever since I heard that first song that's still stuck in my head I've been listening to them over and over all the time, I have a lot of favourite songs like Story Of My Life, Ring Of Fire, Angel's Wings, When The Angels Sing, Reach For The Sky and I could probably go on and on until I've named every song one each album. I can honestly say I like them almost as much as The Wildhearts/Ginger and that's a lot cos I fucking love them more than anything and verything.

I'm pretty sure that my dream has now made it very clear what I want from life and I hope I can live up to my dream and make it all come true. I have a question for anyone that might feel like answering it, am I sometimes hard to follow when speaking or my written stuff? cos I sometimes feel like people really don't get what I'm talking about.

Love, Chris.